Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want