therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
How can I say no to this ?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
why no one uses midhusbands
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”