Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

sensitive skin

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.