Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit