Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right