Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER