Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.