Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

I didn’t realize that was an option

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.