Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.