Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

My dog ate my work from home.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Isn’t

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

I forgot how to panic. Help

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you