Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.