Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.