Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.