Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

I stand by it

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.