Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

reviewed some movies recently

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso