Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance