Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Oh hi lol

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

*bites zombie*

This January has 47 Mondays

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions