Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts