Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Jail
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Finally, a door that understands me
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief