Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

✨☝️✨

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.