therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.