Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Denise please return my vape pen

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school