Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

I need a headline like this

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma