Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”