Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty