Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room