therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
This kid is a star!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.