therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Mood.. 😂
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ