Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

So true for me

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..