Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.