Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.