Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Every time.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

crying

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together