Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.