Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Banderslack Clamberdorch

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”