Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.