Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You Might Also Like
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.