Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299