Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You Might Also Like
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Before & after 😅
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!