Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.