Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way