Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did