Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.