Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

How wrong was this guy?

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

My life is fraught with reality

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

But is it really??

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground