When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
Me: BOOP! teehee!
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?
Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.