cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My new favorite headline
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
mathematically impossible
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My beach vacation Google searches
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes