Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Ugh

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair