Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
School be like
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Oh thanks BBC.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”