Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*