Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.