Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

Muppet Screams

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

lmfao

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones