Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Something Saturday.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves