Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.