@heyitsJudeD

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

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@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@PleaseBeGneiss

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

@KylePlantEmoji

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

@Shenaniglenns

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

@batsly

I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.