Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree