Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Traveler’s camo

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

my dad has had enough

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi