therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?