Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise![]()
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*serious situation*
My brain:
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Good news
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Thursday
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.