Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

I’m giving up for Lent.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.