@LurkAtHomeMom

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

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@Steadi_Lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@PanicRestroom

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@ThatBrenna

People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.