Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.