Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Ha

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend