(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit