Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You Might Also Like
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
oh you like nyc? name every rat
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome