Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I can also cook 😂
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.