Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
finally
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.