Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

That’s no pocket rocket.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

me:lmao I saw it on Twitter

them: what’s your Twitter

me: I don’t have Twitter

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning