Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the h in mysterious.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Just a reminder, folks:

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Phonetics

ㅤ