Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
#dnd #ttrpg
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My typo game is string.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*