Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle