Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water