Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”