Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Friday “markdowns” like

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

me when somebody idk start touching me

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room