THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My last name is Zilla.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”