Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey