@Book_Krazy

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

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@ClichedOut

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@aotakeo

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@rolldiggity

A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing

@JPHaddadio

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey