THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead