Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

Has there ever been a more American story?

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.