Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

The Eggorcist

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.