therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Golf would be better with landmines.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop