therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Encore…
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store